So this is totally an impromptu, unplanned and a ‘pouring my heart out over the keyboard’ kinda post. So much so, that I don’t actually know where to begin. This past week I’ve been feeling pretty unmotivated and what can only be described as ‘meh’, which is more than likely the post-Christmas and post-Rome slump hanging on. Nonetheless, I thought i’d write a more honest post to chat about things that my usual style-related posts tend to gloss over (selfishly in attempt to make myself feel better – kinda like therapy I guess?)
Okay, so without sounding like a moaning Myrtle who just doesn’t want to grow up and actually be an adult, life after graduation has been pretty though. Particularly when the majority of your friends leave the city to do other things, and then the ones who stay continue on at University. It’s left me feeling lonely a lot of the time and pretty much out of any social loop. I’m grateful to have Euan, who is pretty much always around, but there is no substitute for your group of friends.
It’s super easy to appear confident via social media, but the truth is shooting blog photos usually ends in me in tears because I hate how I look and Euan getting frustrated at me crying over my hair or weight or skin AGAIN. I’ve got a pretty consistent fitness routine, but still feel guilty on every evening I don’t go to the gym, despite being absolutely exhausted after being out for almost 12 hours a day. One of my goals for 2017 is to work out when I feel like it and because it makes me happy, not because I feel like I just HAVE to burn X amount of calories. But truthfully, I’m still working on that one. Although a lot of my hang ups are focused around my weight, it makes me feel better knowing that I can control that. However, I can’t change my round face, or my seriously thin hair, or my short legs. These are all things that I’ve had to learn to accept – or am still learning to accept. Some days I’m all ‘I don’t mind being short, at least I can squeeze through crowds’ then other days I’ll cry my eyes out in the Zara changing rooms because no jeans will ever fit me.
Learning To Drive
Okay, this is something I should have done forever ago when I first started my lessons at 17. I seem to have developed some irrational fear of driving coupled with a belief that i’ll just never be good at it. The more I’ve pushed it back and avoided taking more lessons, the more anxious and trapped it makes me feel.. There is nothing more frustrating when you want to be able to jump in a car and get away but it’s illegal for you to do so. But finally, I bit the bullet and booked my first lesson since five years ago and i’m so nervous I actually feel a bit sick. Rebecca, stay cool. You got this.
I want to own my own place that I can decorate and furnish the way I want it. I want to be able to have my own dog. I want to have that dream job that doesn’t even feel like work. I want to be settled (ew, I sound like such a bore) and have everything figured out, but it’s not that easy when everything in your life is still so temporary and uncertain. Renting in Edinburgh has meant I’ve moved every single year for the last five years, never actually unpacking fully or having a living environment that I really properly loved or felt was mine. Also, with Euan doing his second degree, it’s difficult to know where he’ll end up too.
As much as I try to avoid being negative or getting too personal on my blog, it is after all my little spot on the internet. Sometimes when you don’t really know what’s actually wrong, writing out (or in my case, typing) your thoughts can help you get to the root of that ‘meh’ feeling. Not everything is made better by a long shower or a bar of chocolate (although they definitely help). I’m interested to know if any other young adult or post graduate feels or has felt a similar way – it’s always nice to know you’re not alone!